REDNECK LAMENT

Didn’t know he was a redneck until the day we wed.
Sat me down in a motel room on the edge of a king size bed.
Said, "I have some words to say now that you’re my bride.
There are things that I expect and things I can’t abide."

Don’t want no kinky sex, been straight all my life.
Don’t believe in ERA especially for my wife.
I expect home cookin’, Bisquick just won’t do.
And if you run around on me, I’ll be leavin’ you.

Can’t abide Chihuahuas, a shepherd is my dog.
I remember skies of blue before the days of smog.
I’m choosy ‘bout my neighbors in my castle made of brick,
And there’s nothin’ like a pervert to really make me sick.

Don’t believe in the Klu Klux Klan or what the skinheads say.
I’ve got a rifle on my wall; I do things my own way
Won’t take no guff from in-laws, your mother least of all.
I expect good manners or I’d rather they not call.

Don’t care much for rock ‘n roll, country still is king.
I like the way it makes me feel when the Judds begin to sing.
I believe in four wheel drive, in mom and apple pie.
And I still sing the anthem when they hoist the flag on high.

The SOB’s in Washington tell us not to fear.
They’re gonna raise our taxes and the deficit this year.
I’m believin’ in hard work; I’ve never missed a day.
  But there’s a pimp on the corner and drugs where the children play.  

There are lots of little things I’d really rather miss
Like X-rated movies and the TV evangelist.
Can’t really trust them airplanes; I’d rather go by rail.
And I just hate stuff marked "occupant" coming in my mail.

God, I miss the good old days; things change much too fast.
I like it when a man’s a man, a girl’s a girl, and gas is gas.
They’re swimmin’ in my fishin’ hole; the welfare roles are high.
And if I eat the things I like they say I’m gonna die.

I still wear my haircut short, still wear Levi jeans;
Still believe in God and love, old fashion kind of things.
Now you may call me a "redneck" because you think I’m rough;
But it really means I’m a maverick, and more than man enough."

Martha Garren
2/5/89