Dad Jokes
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Q: What is something that all dad jokes have in common?
A: The punchline is apparent.
The following are pandemic jokes (year 2020). You be the judge whether they should be retired or are worthy of preservation.
The World Health Organization (WHO) said there is no evidence that your dog can get COVID-19 and can be released from quarantine. In other words: WHO let the dogs out.
My weeks used to start on Sunday and end on Saturday. During this pandemic they go from Blursday to Whensday.
We cannot allow this year to end. That would admit 2021.
We now return to classic dad jokes.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and asks, “Does this taste funny to you?”
Two pieces of string walk into a bar. They tie themselves in a knot, in the middle, and then fray out the top of their heads. The bartender says, “Hey! Who do you guys think you are, pieces of string?” The strings say, “No, we’re a frayed knot.”
Q: What type of tennis shoes do chickens wear?
A: Ree Bok Bok Bok
Q: Which state has the smallest drinks?
A: Mini-soda!
I bought a dog from a blacksmith. Ten minutes after we got home the dog made a bolt for the door!
Did y’all hear about the person who invented the door knocker? They won the no-bell prize!
I drink so much coffee at work it's become part of my daily grind. Yeah, it's brewtal.
Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they are shellfish!
I got a horse yesterday. Named him Mayo. Sometimes Mayo Neighs.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
A doctor, a priest, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says, "I think I'm a type O."
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
Did you know you can tell the sex of an ant if you drop it in water? If it sinks: girl ant. If it floats: buoyant.
Q: How many ants does it take to fill an apartment?
A: Ten ants.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
Q: What do you call a fish wearing a tuxedo?
A: Sofishticated.
I always knock before I open the fridge, just in case there’s a salad dressing.
Vampires aren’t real…unless you Count Dracula.
What starts with ‘w’ and ends with ‘t?’ It really does.
I didn’t want to believe my brother was stealing from his job as a road worker, but when I went over to his house, all the signs were there.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords. I grounded him. He’s doing better currently, conducting himself properly.
My wife keeps getting angry that I introduce her as my ex-girlfriend.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa-dumm-tss.
Doctor: Relax, Freddie. It’s just a small surgery. Don’t panic.
Patient: My name isn’t Freddie.
Doctor: I know. I’m Freddie.
The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
Q: What did the shy pebble wish?
A: That she was a little boulder!
Q: How do you fix a cabbage?
A: With a cabbage patch.
I went down to the paint store to get thinner… It didn't work.
Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.
I hear in Africa they tried an experiment where they blessed the rains. It was a TOTO failure.
Q: What kind of tea is hard to swallow?
A: Reality!
Q: Why was the baby jalapeño shivering?
A: He was a little chili.
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject? Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
I accidentally swallowed a stack of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
I went to the zoo this morning and saw a baguette in a cage. Pretty sure it was bread in captivity.
Godzilla went to Lake Wobegon. Did you hear the news that he threw up? It's all over town.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”
Asked how his pet parrot died, the mathematician answered, "Polynomial. Polygon."
Q: What quantity is represented by this?
/\ /\ /\ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \/______\ /______\ /______\ || || || || || ||A: 9 (tree + tree + tree)
Q: A dust storm blows through, now how much do you have?
A: 99 (dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree)
Q: Some birds go flying by and leave their droppings, one per tree. How many is that?
A: 100 (dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and a turd)
Q: What does a mathematician do when he's constipated?
A: He works it out with a pencil.
Did you hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch the rays and became a tangent?
A hydrogen ion walks into a bar. “My electron! I've lost my electron,” he says. The bartender asks, “Are you sure?” The ion answers, “Yeah. I'm positive!”
A neutron walks into a bar, orders a martini. The bartender brings out the martini. The neutron asks, “How much?” The bartender answers, “For you, no charge!”
Q: What's the definition of a tachyon?
A: It's a gluon that's not completely dry.
Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gasses here.” He doesn’t react.
Pavlov is sitting in a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, “Oh no! I forgot to feed the dog!”
Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.
A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says, “Make me one with everything.”
A Higgs boson walks into a church and the priest says, “We don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here.” The Higgs boson replies, “But without me, how could you have mass?”
There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.
Variation for the less nerdy: There’s a band called 999MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.
Entropy isn’t what it used to be.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
I loved this video full of dad jokes. Not the most efficient way to learn them, but most enjoyable. The daughter is trying not to laugh and blames her dad for his goofy faces that make her laugh. She won't admit the jokes are funny. Penn Holderness has found his calling entertaining us on YouTube: j.mp/3eJEsSG
Some jokes were lifted from 20 Jokes for Nerds and 20 Jokes That Only Intellectuals Will Understand. Others were inspired by or lifted from @Dadsaysjokes, HT Bored Panda. Jokes starting with past, present, and future up to the Roman who walks into a bar are from the 2021 Bad Dad Jokes joke-a-day calendar by Willow Creek Press.
This document was compiled by Sparky, Jester of the 21st Century tbchambers@gmail.com. Sparky strives to honor copyright. If you wrote any of these jokes and want credit or actually want them removed, please tell him. He picks up his phone: +1 719.357.7822.
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