"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

This is a pic of Bill Gates, arrested in New Mexico in 1977,
I don't what the charges were.....yet

At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

New Undocumented Error Codes

Recently the following undocumented Windows 98 error-codes were found. Microsoft forgot to explain them in the manuals, so they will be spread via the Internet:

WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger.

WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet.

WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file.

WinErr: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong.

WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused.

WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive.

WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware.

WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments.

WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - Only God knows what has happened.

WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full.

WinErr: 00B Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB.

WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!...

WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside.

WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside.

WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened.

WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers.

WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh?

WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.

WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old Windows licence is not valid anymore.

WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!

WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry. (snicker)

WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.

WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.

WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.

WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait...

WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.

WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a DOS-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.

WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.

WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.

WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.

WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 50.312.583 Bytes available and

WinErr: 625 Working Error - The system has been working perfectly for the past ten minutes. Please reboot.

WniErr: 902 Screen Error - The system is working perfectly, Windows is not lying, your monitor is wrong

WinErr: 72a Crucial Halt - Hang on, WHAT was that?

WinErr: 72b Memory Error - What? Tell Windows again.

WinErr: 39c Disk Error in drive a: - Although your disk is in perfect condition (Windows just formatted it), Windows didn't like it any more.

WinErr: 983 Hard Disk Error - The files on the hard disk were neatly arranged and fully optimised, so Windows had to mess them up and put a couple of hundred .TMP files all over the place.

WinErr: 294 BlackMail Error - Send $200 to Gates or your computer will get so messed up it will never work again.

WinErr: 394 Memory Error - You have been attempting to run this on a Pentium 200 with 128 MB of RAM. That is not good enough.

WinErr: 872 Windows can't be bothered doing that.


New PC Keyboard Design

Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed specifically for Windows. In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard, Microsoft's new design adds several new keys which will make your Windows computing even more fun! The final specs are not yet set, so please feel free to make suggestions. The keys proposed so far are:

GPF key--This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.

$$ key--When this key is pressed, money is transferred automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for further action or third party intervention.

ZD key--This key was developed specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows within the file being edited.

MS key--This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled "Computing for Mindless Drones" in a 1" x 1" window.

FUD key--Some thing to do with the Display.......Self explanatory. Chicago key--Generates do-nothing loops for months at a time.

IBM key --Searches your hard disk for operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them.

(this is a definitive reason for computer training)(hats off to Terri for this)

In case you think you are technologically challenged, look at this excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article...

1. Compaq is considering changing the instruction "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packed in.

3. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

4. A Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to FAX anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to FAX a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor's screen and pressing the "Send" key.

5. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find the printer." The user had also turned the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't see the printer.

6. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in she responded, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens. The foot pedal turned out to be the computer's mouse.

7. True story from a Novell NetWire System Operator...
Caller: "Hello is this tech support?"
Tech: "Yes it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting it fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, or at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trade mark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
(At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he was laughing too hard.)
The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder

8.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said put in the third disk-I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant remove Disk 1 first


Bill Gates recently compared the OS market with the soft drink market, explaining that Microsoft is hanging on for dear life in the ultra-competitive OS market while Coke enjoys a real monopoly, since they'll be on top forever, but the DOJ doesn't pick on them. Of course, Bill should be careful not to give Coke any ideas. We might end up with a scenario like the following:

Joe: (walking into McDonalds): I'd like a Big Mac.

Cashier: Okay, here's your Big Mac and here's your Coke. That'll be $3.99.

J: Uh, I don't want a Coke.

C: Sorry, they're bundled.

J: What? I'm not paying for a Coke.

C: You don't have to. The Coke is free.

J: But wasn't a Big Mac $2.49 last week?

C: Sure, but this latest Big Mac is far more innovative. It's got integrated Coke.

J: I already bought a Mountain Dew across the street, OK, so I'm not going to drink the Coke.

C: Then you can't have the burger.

J: sigh...Okay, fine, I'll pay the 3.99 and throw the Coke away.

C: Oh, you can't do that. They're seamlessly integrated. Totally inseparable.

J: How can that be? They're two totally separate things.

C: No, watch. (takes Big Mac, dunks it in a tank of Coke) See?

J: Why did you just do that?

C: It's a benefit to the consumer. Otherwise you'd end up with two different, inconsistent tastes. This way you're assured of consistent taste across all your foods.

J: Aaarrgh...

(kudos to JR again)

McAfee-Question : Is Windows a virus ?

No, Windows is not a virus.

Here's what viruses do:

1. They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.

OK......Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.


Q: How many Internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 1,343

1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed;

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently;

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs;

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs;

53 to flame the spell checkers; 41 to correct spelling/grammar flames;

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb";

another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive;

156 to write to the list administrator about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list;

109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to litebulb-l;

203 to demand that cross posting to grammar-l, spelling-l and illuminati-l about changing light bulbs be stopped;

111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this mail list;

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty;

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs;

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and the post the corrected URL's;

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list;

33 to link all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers and then add "Me too";

12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy;

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three";

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ;

44 to ask what is "FAQ";
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago on Usenet?"

143 to ask "what's Usenet?"

(This was from an email sent to RMIUG)

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:

1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

4) Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.

7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

9) Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

10) This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."

11) To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."

12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Reboot Washington D.C? (Y/N)

15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

16) Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

19) WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

20) User Error: Replace user.

21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

22) Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...

23) If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?

24) Required Government Warning: After we got caught in cahoots with the hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill your hard drives, the following message is now required as you save your files in Word. "Word has detected that you don't wish to save your text file as a lumpy and space wasting .doc format filled with potential viruses. Would you like to save your old outdated ASCII file as a Word file anyway?"

25) Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

(thnx again carl)

Your computer is dead...it was once so alive.... Do you regret installing....Win 95?
(thnx bunnyman)

3 Sun engineers and 3 Microsoft employees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the 3 Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch as the Sun engineers buy only 1 ticket. "How are 3 people going to travel on only 1 ticket?" asks a Microsoft employee.. "Watch & you'll see", says a Sun engineer. They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take their respective seats but all 3 Sun engineers cram into a restroom & close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and say, "Tickets, please." The door opens just a crack & a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. After the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the Sun engineers & save some money(being clever with money & all that). When they get to the station, they buy just 1 ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Sun engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft employee. "Watch and you'll see", answers a Sun engineer. When they board the train, the 3 Microsoft employees cram into a restroom & the 3 Sun engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Sun engineers leaves his restroom & walks over to the restroom where the 3 Microsoft employees are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please".


Windows 95 : n.

32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a
16 bit patch to an
8 bit operating system originally coded for a
4 bit microprocessor, written by a
2 bit company,that can't stand
1 bit of competition.

"Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand."

You Might Be A "High-Tech Redneck" If......(source unknown)

If your e-mail address ends in "@overyonder.com"

If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page"

If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop"

If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson"

If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.

If your baseball cap read "DEC" instead of "CAT"

If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined

If your wife said "either she or the computer had to go", and you still don't miss her

If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on

If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy"

If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal

If you start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy y'all"

Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates are all called to heaven by God.
He tells them "you haven't died I just called you here because you are the three most important men on Earth. I need you to tell all your people that I am ending the world in two days" Bill Clinton goes to Congress and tells them " I have good news and bad news. The good news is there is a God. The bad news is he's going to end the world in two days" Boris Yeltsin goes to the Kremlin and tells them "I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is the Americans are right, there is a God. The worse news is he will end the world in two days." Bill Gates goes back to Microsoft and tells his people "I have good news and great news. The good news is God thinks I'm one of the three most important men in the world. The great news is we don't have to fix Windows 98"

"Double your drive space - delete Windows!"

The Obligatory ASCII-gemmatraical Proof that Bill Really is Satan
Bill Gates's full name is William Henry Gates III. Nowadays
he is known as Bill Gates (III). By converting the letters
of his current name to their ASCII values, you get the following:

The Devil made him code it...
B I L L G A T E S 3
66+73+76+76+71+65+84+69+83+3 = 666

W I N D O W S 9 5

M S - D O S sp 6 . 2 1

That was from an anonymous usenet post...

Barney is also Satan

1) Start with the given:

2) Change all of the U's to V's (which is proper in Latin anyway):

3) Extract all Roman Numerals:

4) Convert into Arabic Values:
100 5 5 50 500 1 5 5)

Add all the numbers:
666 Thus, Barney is Satan.

(thnx again again carl)

"Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I."

High Tech & Computer Sales Jargon

NEW - Different color from previous design
ALL NEW - Parts not interchangeable with previous design
EXCLUSIVE - Imported product
UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition
DESIGNED SIMPLICITY - Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone
FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments
ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it
IT'S HERE AT LAST! - Rush job; Nobody knew it was coming
FIELD-TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment
HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit
DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had big argument with distributor
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one that works
REVOLUTIONARY - It's different from our competitors
BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a way to sell it
FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does
DISTINCTIVE - A different shape and color than the others
MAINTENANCE-FREE - Impossible to fix
REDESIGNED - Previous faults corrected, we hope...
HAND-CRAFTED - Assembly machines operated without gloves on
PERFORMANCE PROVEN - Will operate through the warranty period
MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours
ALL SOLID-STATE - Heavy as Hell!
BROADCAST QUALITY - Gives a picture and produces noise
HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it
SMPTE BUS COMPATIBLE - When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound
NEW GENERATION - Old design failed, maybe this one will work
MIL-SPEC COMPONENTS - We got a good deal at a government auction
CUSTOMER SERVICE ACROSS THE COUNTRY - You can return it from most airports
UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE - Nothing we ever had before worked THIS way
BUILT TO PRECISION TOLERANCES - We finally got it to fit together
SATISFACTION GUARANTEED - Manufacturer's, upon cashing your check
MICROPROCESSOR CONTROLLED - Does things we can't explain
LATEST AEROSPACE TECHNOLOGY - One of our techs was laid off by Boeing

Win95 FAQ

[With the release of Windows 95, we know there are questions that many of you have. As a service, we've collected some of the more frequently asked questions and have answered them here.]

Q: Why should I upgrade to Windows 95?
A: Because of the size of Microsoft, and its influence on the American economy, it's crucial that all PC users buy Windows 95. If this doesn't happen, the dollar will fall further against the yen, unemployment will rise, the deficit will increase, interest rates will skyrocket, the market will crash, and we'll be plunged into another world war. Besides, Bill Gates says you should.

Q: What about long filenames?
A: Ha ha. Can't believe you fell for this one. Sure you can create long filenames, which are then immediately truncated to an eight character string, for old times sake. When you go to look for your file, the operating system matches a random sampling of letters with the filenames it has stored. Good luck finding your file.

Q: Does Windows 95 offer true multitasking?
A: Yes. It's called Interactive Multitasking, meaning you can go work on other tasks while waiting for your computer to reboot each time Win95 crashes.

Q: What does "32-bit" mean?
A: Colloquially, 2 bits means 25 cents (as in "Shave and a haircut, two bits"). So 32 bits is $4, or the amount it costs Microsoft to make something for which they'll charge you $89.

Q: Can Windows 95 really work with only 4 MB of RAM as Microsoft claims?
A: It's true! However, we caution you not to try to run any programs under this configuration. In fact, it's best if you don't turn the machine on at all.

Q: Why did the Justice Department allow Windows 95 to ship with access to Microsoft Network?
A: The Justice Department was mysteriously gifted several million shares of Microsoft stock by an anonymous donor and now has a stake in Microsoft's eternal success.

Q: Why would I want to sign up for Microsoft Network?
A: You won't have a choice. Windows 95 manipulates your monitor's refresh rate to flash subliminal messages on your screen suggesting that you sign up for MSN. In this hypnotic state, you'll do anything they say. Anything they say. Anything they say...

Q: How do I get support?
A: In anticipation of the flood of customer support calls, Microsoft has contracted with city agencies across the country for their services. If you need assistance for Win95, just dial 911.

Q: But doesn't Windows 95 come with some cool features, like a trash can on the desktop?
A: Wow!!! How... innovative of them.

Q: Didn't Windows 95 have another name?
A: Yes. Macintosh 89.



Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a research grant?
A: A mad scientist.

Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on

A: The warning label.

Q: What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium?
A: Successive approximations.

Q: Complete the following word analogy: Add is to Subtract as Multiply is to:
1) Divide
4) On a Pentium, all of the above

A: Number 4.

Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider?
A: "Life is like a box of chocolates..." (Source: F. Gump of Intel)

Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.

Q: According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE standards 754
and 854 for floating point arithmetic. If you fly in aircraft
designed using a Pentium, what is the correct pronunciation of "IEEE"?

A: Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!

9.9999973251 - It's a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug
8.9999163362 - It's the new math
7.9999414610 - Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes
6.9999831538 - You Don't Need to Know What's Inside
5.9999835137 - Redefining the PC -- and Mathematics As Well
4.9999999021 - We Fixed It, Really
3.9998245917 - Division Considered Harmful
2.9991523619 - Why Do You Think They Call It *Floating* Point?
1.9999103517 - We're Looking for a Few Good Flaws
0.9999999998 - The Errata Inside

"There's too much blood in my caffeine system."

"Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue."

Abort, Retry, Ignore
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
But got instead a reprimand: it read "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly, I must now adopt one -
Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

With my fingers pale and trembling,
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key --
But on the screen what did I see?
Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

I tried to catch the chips off guard --
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards,
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation,
Trying random combinations.
Still there came the incantation -
Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted;
Getting up, I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight,
A bold and blinding flash of light,
A lightning bolt that cut the night and shook me to my very core.
The PC screen collapsed and died,
"Oh no -- my database", I cried.
I thought I heard a voice reply,
"You'll see your data-- Nevermore!"

To this day I do not know
The place to which our data goes
Perhaps it goes to Heaven where the angels have it stored.
But as for productivity - well,
I fear it has gone straight to Hell.
And that's the tale I have to tell -
Your choice: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".